Well I made it.. I survived 2011! I survived, but not without battle scars. Looking back over my entire life I realize that prior to 2011 there has never been a time period that I have endured so much pain, both physical and emotional, or a time that I have had so much mental, spiritual, and personal growth all in the same year.
When I entered 2011 I rushed into the year feeling brave, strong, and full of life, energy and hope. But by the end it had knocked me off my feet (literally), sucked my strength and drained me of my energy. But true to myself, I didn’t let it take my final breath. I tried to fight back but by the end I decided it was best to just ride the wave right into the new year. This year, on New Years Eve, I didn’t celebrate, there were no New Years resolutions, I didn’t even count down the hours.. I just quietly sat and waited for the clock to tick and the calendar to move to the next page.
2011 was not my year. In 2011, I listened to my sister and stood by her helplessly as she began a long recovery from repressed memories of childhood abuse at the hands of my own father. I struggled through family drama that left my husband and I practically “disowned” by relatives. I cried with one of my daughters when she miscarried her first pregnancy, I watched my other daughter and son-in-law hold my newborn grandson as he died in their arms. I ran my first half marathon and literally broke both my legs and tore a muscle and spent the last portion of the year in a wheelchair. I’m happy to see 2011 go.
Yes I’ve discovered my father was not a good person and that my family has dark secrets, but I’ve become closer to my sister than ever and realize how important she is to me. Yes my daughter miscarried, but I stayed strong for her and she is pregnant again expecting in June 2012. Yes I lost my grandson.. but I also watched his birth and I touched and held him and he was beautiful and I am a better person for having even spent a minute with him. And now my grandson baby Marc will have a baby brother or sister in August 2012. Yes I broke myself running my half marathon, but I ran it and I finished it in 3 hours and 45 minutes even with broken body parts. I can actually say I ran a half marathon, 13.1 miles! How many people can say that? Yes I had ups and downs with extended family members but being “unfriended” or “disowned” actually had it benefits. My life is more peaceful and I’ve learned that some people are in your life for just a season and when the season is up, it’s time for them to go. Those that you need in your life tend to stick around and those that bring drama and sadness to your life, you have to let them go.
We are now 5 days into 2012. There is a solemn feeling of survival and I’m starting to feel a spark of determination return to me. My spirit has not been totally crushed but I won’t lie.. 2011 was painful and it put me in my place. I know now how fragile life is, how necessary friends and family are, and how weak my physical body is. But on the flip side, I learned how precious life is even when it is very short. I learned how I can stand on my own even when family fail to support me, and I learned that my body heals and that I can still take control of what is left of my life even when it’s been broken in little pieces. So instead of dwelling on the negative things that happened in 2011, the only thing I know how to do is to take the pieces and try to make sense of them. In order to go on and move forward I must find some sort of learning experience or growth in the trauma that I was dealt in the last 12 months. Some of the pain in 2011 will always remain and I can’t just “get over” it. But I can use that discovery and pain to shape the person I become in 2012. Please 2012, be nice to me.
